Rage

by Dawn

To My Beautiful Mother, Genevieve. You unhappily carried me in your womb for nine months – carrying heavy milk cans from barn to milk house willing me to die.

A foggy veil lowers before me, barely able to see the through it.  I am in the recesses of myself.  It bursts forth without warning.  It grabs me with its wretched claws.  A deep burgundy cloud of pulsating energy descends on me – invading my self. I don’t know where it resides.  It comes from nowhere. I am frozen in place while it enters.

There is pressure behind my eyes. It raises itself from my perineum. It rises and spreads to my extremities.  I am panting using all my physical strength to hold it back The more I fight, the stronger it gets My mind is foggy – I can’t think. I watch as it takes control of me.  I have no power to seize it and destroy it.  I lose myself to it.  It only has enemies- including me.  My fingers tips and toes buzz with vibrating energy.  The muscles in my body are tense and throbbing. A rushing sensation rises and falls. Pulsations develop under my skin moving about.  The dark burgundy mist shoots out of my eyes and finger tips hitting any possible target.  My head aches as the blood vessels dilate.  I hold my breath.

The intruder terrifies and angers everyone including me.  Fear is its fuel – allowing it to regenerate and continue its attack over and over.  I see myself screaming at others disturbing their peace, screaming back you are evil.  They begin to back away from the intruder frightened by its venom.  As the others leave, the intruder disappears.  I am begging the others not to go. Please don’t leave me!  I am not this demon I scream after them.  Please come back I need you!  I will die.

I brake into a thousand pieces, sobbing because I have failed again at being human.  I am not like the others. My body and mind are pained with defeat.

Slowly, I put myself  together – some of the pieces don’t fit and a few are missing, but I force them together.  My will is diminished by failure and rejection. I die a little more. Knowing the intruder will return, to rein again.

 

Fountain of fire

About Michaela

I am a wanderer and a wonderer, like you are. I love our journey and to walk in the company of friends – to learn, experience, share, laugh, cry and above all I simply love this marvelous, magical, mysterious life. I have no plan (cannot believe I am saying this) and my only intention is to be truthful to myself and others.
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13 Responses to Rage

  1. Michaela says:

    Wow. Just beautiful.
    Rage and the will to live. The energy of transformation.
    Seeing it for what it is.

    Thank you Dawn.

  2. Maggie says:

    Dawn thank you for communicating your experience so effectively. You took my breathe away.
    Deep respect always.

  3. Yes, spectacular work, Dawn. My shadow bows to yours. Much love, Amy

  4. Angelika says:

    Ja, Dawn.

    Each one of us awakes by focusing at our self.

    We can look at others as long as we want to and all the same the shift happens only when we stay with our self.

    Welcome Dawn!

    🙂

  5. Martina says:

    Thank you Dawn for helping me see my own fear of & resistance to raw rage.

    “I die a little more” contains a gift of grace.

    In peace, Martina

  6. Glerikud says:

    Thank you.

  7. Ray says:

    Very powerful

    It makes me want to hold you and tell you everything is allright

    Thank you Dawn

  8. Benno says:

    Wow, speechless!!

  9. Sheila says:

    Fearless writing……….inspirational, Dawn! Love you.

  10. Giri Ocean says:

    Beautiful.
    Pure.
    Honest.

    Thank you.

  11. justme says:

    Dawn, I can feel it. I can feel the intense throbbing feeling.

    You are a brave woman. The difference between the human and animal kingdom is that we have the ability to look upon ourselves. Most times we choose not to. There is always a few brave souls who understand by looking upon the ‘darker’ side it may bring pain and hurt but actually it is exposing the same to the ‘light’.

    Light does not chase darkness away it shows it for what it is- nothing. You have been a warrior and grabbed darkness (which is so evidently real by your description) by the throat and threw him to the world – our world, that we may question him, and through that action you have allowed the curtains to be pulled back and the light to filter through.

    I love you woman of the world, after all you are my sister with whom I am proud.

  12. Dawn says:

    Thanks to everyone for all of the supportive comments. It was a strange process – being present with the bodily sensations. The Rage decreased as I gave my full attention to the feelings.

    Thank you Marille! I am gratful for your guidance. Love, Dawn

  13. Doreen Willis says:

    Dawn that was very well put, in fact i am using it to undercover someone who caused me to have a blackout and rape me. Light does not chase darkness away it shows it for what it is- nothing. You are no warrior and you grabbed darkness by the throat and threw me to the world , now that i may question you, and through that action please allowed the curtains to be pulled back and the light to filter through.

    Now if you are out there, come clean.

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