To My Beautiful Mother, Genevieve. You unhappily carried me in your womb for nine months – carrying heavy milk cans from barn to milk house willing me to die.
A foggy veil lowers before me, barely able to see the through it. I am in the recesses of myself. It bursts forth without warning. It grabs me with its wretched claws. A deep burgundy cloud of pulsating energy descends on me – invading my self. I don’t know where it resides. It comes from nowhere. I am frozen in place while it enters.
There is pressure behind my eyes. It raises itself from my perineum. It rises and spreads to my extremities. I am panting using all my physical strength to hold it back The more I fight, the stronger it gets My mind is foggy – I can’t think. I watch as it takes control of me. I have no power to seize it and destroy it. I lose myself to it. It only has enemies- including me. My fingers tips and toes buzz with vibrating energy. The muscles in my body are tense and throbbing. A rushing sensation rises and falls. Pulsations develop under my skin moving about. The dark burgundy mist shoots out of my eyes and finger tips hitting any possible target. My head aches as the blood vessels dilate. I hold my breath.
The intruder terrifies and angers everyone including me. Fear is its fuel – allowing it to regenerate and continue its attack over and over. I see myself screaming at others disturbing their peace, screaming back you are evil. They begin to back away from the intruder frightened by its venom. As the others leave, the intruder disappears. I am begging the others not to go. Please don’t leave me! I am not this demon I scream after them. Please come back I need you! I will die.
I brake into a thousand pieces, sobbing because I have failed again at being human. I am not like the others. My body and mind are pained with defeat.
Slowly, I put myself together – some of the pieces don’t fit and a few are missing, but I force them together. My will is diminished by failure and rejection. I die a little more. Knowing the intruder will return, to rein again.