Before, but not after

An exchange between Angelika and Michaela

M: What is our topic today ?

A: May I suggest that we look at how “we” have changed, how our patterns in everyday life seem to have changed?

M: Yes, I think we said we would explore our current state of “being grounded” – in other words, being lost to the “normal”, everyday distractions

M: Yes, same here. I don’t think I went on a shopping spree in ages. It does not interest me anymore. And I also noticed I am no longer reading newspapers or watching TV. I used to go to the movies quite a bit, but now I only do so on occasion – and then I find myself walking out of some performances, because I cannot stand it any longer – some genres simply do not resonate anymore. This is also true regarding travelling – I used to do this a lot and really loved it – nowadays it does not even occur to me to go away over the weekend. How boring :-).

But  fact is – it is not boring at all.

A: This morning, just before we met, I had kind of an insight. I left my self made retreat in May this year to fly to USA  for a three weeks visit. Being over there I still had seven to nine hours each day which I was alone and where I could reflect on whatever came up or simply be.

When I returned I was very much pulled into everyday outside activities. This phase went on until the beginning of August.

So what I have noticed is, that the more my attention was drawn to outside happenings the more I went back into old ego patterns. And since – especially during the summer – I had almost no alone time, I was not even aware of repeating pattern after pattern. Finally I got physically so worn out and tired that I had to give space to myself again. And, you know what, I felt bad about needing space and I thought I had failed. I was caught deeply into the ego trap.

M: Yes, being held inside is also my experience. It started soon after the first insights. There was something that told me to withdraw. First it was really like a retreat, because I would use the time to read or listen to teachings, but later more and more activities fell away. Also my normal routine dropped. I have been doing less and less. At first this caused a lot of contracted tension and nervousness – my “ego” would tell me that this withdrawal l was really bordering on being anti-social and deluded. But then I realised the progress I made in terms of my inner development. Of course the “ego” acted up all the time, but I have been able to more and more understand that this was resistance, wanting to keep me from “allowing the work to happen”. There is something that literally forces me to do that.

A: I am with you on this. Something within me, a process, is taking place. I experience it like being in a “transit area” on an international airport. I have left one country but not yet reached the other one. There is this special area on each airport which one is only allowed to enter, if one has a boarding pass.  It is like being in “no – man´s land”, almost like in a protected environment, with very little influence from outside.
And when I left this environment last summer I got trapped into old reactive strategies….lol….and now “I returned to start”, like in Monopoly.

M. Interestingly enough, there was a time I was pulled to be outside. It was as if nature was teaching me. I took long walks and just sat in the grass, with trees and grapevines, or watching the sky. This is where I learned to experience spaciousness and how everything is connected. But a few moths ago this stopped and it really started to hold me inside. This is very untypical for me – I am really a mover and I am outside a lot. I used to bike extensively, but this year my bicycle got stolen in March (when I would usually start to get in shape after the winter),  it took forever until I got my new one, then it never stopped raining and next the thermometer hit 30 degrees. It was as if the universe conspired to keep me inside. This sounds completely mad by logic of reason, but I knew this was about staying inside now. And indeed – I notice even more interior development has occurred. But really, by anybody’s standard I am a complete bum 🙂

A: I am glad that you have shared this. I do not like walking right now. I used to go on walks in nature because I felt bad. There is a big No to walking  inside myself right now.
I plan to ride my bike again. I have not started yet.
I have noticed that I judged me for living like I do. And still I can not force me any longer into actions. I do feel fine and relaxed at a lot of times. I explore my ego and go through pain body episodes and then I feel fine and still again.
So actually it is not “me doing nothing”, I seem to be busy on getting to know to my layers of ego conditioning.
We live in a small village on a hilltop, that is surrounded by a deep Forest area. We have a small garden and I love to spend time in the garden. I do not do gardening anymore. I simply do not do it. So my family has to be responsible for this now. And it works. I have stopped painting as well.
Gardening and painting I did to receive appreciation from others or to compensate on feeling closed up and stiff.

M: Yes, that’s the amazing thing. Nothing really broke down nor did my life deteriorate in any way. I live in a nice place, everything is close by, I am missing nothing and everything is light, easy and comfortable. Whenever I need something, it simply appears. So I have learned also to take the less fortunate events as a blessing. For example, I had a problem with a tooth and had to have a root canal procedure. it was absolutely lovely and I learned so much about building trust and a sense of connected co-operation, sitting in the dentist chair. I have not been bored or frustrated in a long time – but I used to get nervous or impatient. This I recognised as pure judging – my lovely little ego telling me: “ You really should do something, you lazy bum”. 🙂

A: Ja, I also had “dentist – trust – experiences.” I used to be very afraid of going to the dentist and now I am sitting in the chair and experience him and I being one for these moments of treatment.
We have formed a team or unit and I wear the outcome, golden teeth, in my mouth like jewels….lol….sounds strange….
Maybe we are in nothingness – land?
The sufi poets had pointed out that one has to be there before any change or purification can take place. No matter what it is, it helps me to learn that you are experiencing a similar state. I can accept this phase now much better.
It seems that I am sitting in a car and drive on a road and at the horizon I notice a curve and I have no idea what will come behind the curve and all the same I go on driving.

M: I think you are right. Looking back I know this period of retreating and living like a hermit was absolutely necessary for the inner development to take place. Even though it appears like nothing has really happened, and moreover I did not really do anything other but going with it, this has sort of calibrated me to live my life differently now. Not so much by fixating and grasping or resisting. I do understand the process of letting go and I do recognise the voice of the ego. I understand many of the spiritual teachings on a much deeper level now and it makes a lot of sense to me to live, like I live now. Just let it happen naturally  and I really do not need to go out anymore and make it happen. I check into myself, there is this thing that is guiding me, I follow the path of “least resistance” and wait and see. The most amazing thing to me is that I have become pretty patient. And I really don’t care if I am right about something, or not. That is nothing short of a miracle…

A:  “Follow the part of the least resistance”, that is it! I can feel resistance immediately and now I know why. It is an indicator! Thank you for pointing this out to me!!!
Let us return to this topic in a while and see what has been going on.

M: Yes, I’d like that. If you had ever told me that becoming a bum was my apprenticeship to finding my true purpose in life, I would have declared you mad. But I think this is exactly what is happening. So let’s wait and see….

A: Thank you very much for your time, listening and sharing!!!

M: Same here Geli – it is always really amazing to me how productive our sessions are. Thank you for your time, listening and sharing and have a wonderful Monday !