A conversation between Geli and Michaela
M: Good morning Geli, what shall we talk about today ?
G:Good morning Michaela! I would like to talk about relationships and how my “being part of them” has changed during the process of awakening.
M: Ah, yes – that is a great topic. Many things have changed for me as well and there is a lot of insight in terms of how we are inter-acting. So where shall we start ?
G: May I start with naming the relationships where I have observed changes within myself referring to my behaviour, attitude, understanding, etc..
M: Sure…I’ll follow your lead.
G: Well, it started with my relationship to my ex-husband, then my relationship to my mother started changing, followed by many of my girlfriends and male friends and finally changes in my relationship to both my children have been taking place. Last but not least I am in a new relationship with a man, where all is very different than it ever has been before.
M: Well, its true – about all of my relationships have been changing too, some in a very surprising way. When did you notice the first time – and what was it related to ?
G: In early summer 2009 I became sick for two months and only after ETTV started and I had learned through the exchange with other awakening people, what as going on, it was that the symptoms disappeared, mainly because I learned how to deal with resistance, fear, shame, etc. It was then when I knew, and it was indeed a knowing, that John (my ex) and I have not been anything close to taking the role of wife, husband for each other. So what ever the deal in this relationship was, I was not his wife, as he was not my husband.
Today we have a house sharing community and each one of us, including both children, benefits from this unusual relationship.
M: I had to silently laugh to myself as I noticed a little slip up there – or maybe it is not a slip, but the way it is phrased can take on a dual meaning: when you say “ symptoms disappeared mainly because I learned how to deal with resistance, shame, etc…” Of course I know what you mean, but I could not help to notice that this is what we have been doing all our lives – we have learned to deal with our resistance in such a way, that we ignore it, or gloss over it or make it go away by going into a reactive pattern. I think this is the starting point for everybody on this journey – we start to realise that we are in resistance to so many things or people or instances in our lives and we ignore the symptoms of “driving with the handbrake on”. Recognising it, accepting it, is the first step in the process of letting go. And it is true, the moment we do that – we open up to what is, we change our attitude and we come out of a lifelong pattern of resistance – and keeping the other captive in our own pattern, that somehow connects us to theirs. I remember well the day you said “ John and I talked to each other and we have agreed to be friends”.
G: Ja. As I open up deeper to Life itself, more and more concepts, roles, defined frameworks of any kind of relationships gradually crumble, like some dried out piece of mater after it was exposed to a flame for a little while.
Lately I have realized that society defines a certain way of interacting with each other, adds a bunch of rules and regulations to it, and then calls this construct “marriage”.
The concept of marriage is nothing but an empty shell. A structure that we are willingly accepting. It is an object, a mind made energy field. Where are the subjects, the human beings in this? Of course I know of the “inner marriage of the masculine and the feminine” , which to some extend is also just another concept or an attempt to explain a fundamental way of how opposite qualities of energy work with each other……. but this has only very little in common with the ordinary marriage. Actually what we call marriage is often nothing more than a distorted version of the inner marriage.
M: Marriage definitely is an important subject – and concept. In my life experience, I never really wanted that – sometimes the opportunity arose and that made me run for my life, literally. I am not sure what made me so reluctant, perhaps it was the sense of getting trapped. A long term committed relationship was no problem, but marriage – a definite no-go. After all, a marriage is an economic institution – two people deciding to work together and raise a family and that is a big responsibility. Unfortunately we have the concept of “marrying for love”, but we have not understood what that actually means and do not realise that what is so annoying in the other points back to all the issues in ourselves, that we do not want to see. In addition to one’s own personal expectations – often based on a sense of lack in myself that I am trying to compensate – there are the expectations of the environment. I am currently witnessing the breaking up of a few marriages in my surrounding and it is really painful to observe what people are doing to each other. I find that deplorable, in particular if children are involved. Completely narcissistic and unconscious behaviour. And some even would call themselves being spiritual and would be familiar with the concept of spiritual marriage, which is of course another concept, pointing to the unification of the internal and the external.
G: I have come to understand that the way a marriage is lived is totally dependent on both participants. The same applies for the break up and any other changes within a relationship. To me a good starting point is to become aware of what I want in this relationship. After I took stock of what I am looking for and what I actually get, I can explore deeper on myself. Relationship is a fine vehicle to gradually experiencing who I am, and this includes getting to know to my ego as well as regaining the connection to Being.
M: Yes, I think I know what you mean – what is happening externally does point back to my own actions – or rather reactions. So if my marriage – or relationship – is at a dead end, I probably have to ask myself “what is it I always want and what is it I expect”. This is my staring point on the outside, egoic statements of interest to preserve myself. So let us say “I am in a relationship because I want to be happy and my expectation is that the other is acting in a way that makes me happy” – then I have to enquire into my idea of what “being happy” actually means to me. It may very well be that on an superficial egoic level it is everything that strengthens my idea of myself. Of course, my partner may have a similar expectation and more often than not, his actions would not fit into my expectations and vice versa. This is how the wars of the roses break out, is it not. A long time of waiting for the other to strengthen my ego and all he does may be to challenge it!! And then we call the divorce lawyer…but in reality we are so close to the truth and could take the opportunity to explore and understand. base on what I find out, I still may call the divorce lawyer, but I can be sure that won’t be as agonizing as reacting out of a purely defensive mechanism.
G: As long as we are trapped in ego, we often expect the Others to compensate for our own disabilities. Since most us do this, everyday life has turned into a tug of war for who´s desires get fulfilled first. And as soon as they are fulfilled, we very quickly encounter new desires and on it goes.
What really helped me to experience my own reactive patterns and to move beyond them into liberation, is the “conscious” relationship which Paul and I share. Welwood offers a good guide line for this path.
Ultimately I have understood, also in a felt sense, not only in my mind, that as I am aligned with the Genuine, the Source,, Life itself, I do not need to exploit and manipulate “Other” any longer to receive what I would like to have. It is more that they have become surprisingly assisting and supportive in co-creating what I enjoy to experience and have. Step by step I move forward exploring a new way of living.
M: And what is more, I do not need to be afraid of seeing the truth. Truth is always the safe position to take, but it means I have to be really honest with myself first. What in me made me form relationship with that person and what in me keeps me in it. Very often we are enacting some archetypal patterns and I find it very helpful to be aware of it. What is coming to mind is that my typical way of ending something was to walk out of it – sometimes after a long time of waiting for things to change and they of course did not, mainly because I was not ready to look at myself and see my own pattern. So I know that now, I know today what I was looking for in a relationship and what i wanted from an egoic perspective, I can clearly see what I needed to learn and I think I have finally learned it. This in turn makes me free to have a relationship – or not. But it is based on truth, not on my false sense of wanting protection or security.ha
G: Eckhart Tolle is talking about a New Earth. I keep asking myself, “do I want to participate in this movement, in this awakening with my eyes wide open?” In my case, the answer is “Yes.” And this is why I am very willing to let go of old patterns, systems, concepts and object – relations, no matter how much I struggle at times. My “So What” attitude combined with loving kindness towards Others and myself is very helpful on this path.
M: This is such an important and rich topic – I have the feeling we only have started to scatch the surface, but it is really powerful because I see my whole surrounding changing in ways I would not have thought possible. Virtually all of my relations are changing and most of them in a very surprising way. I get closer to people I have not been close with and I distance myself from others. But none of these often significant changes bear any problems. It is not problematic !! And I think this is the main message I want to convey – if I base my choice on truth, it is always a safe choice.