In a haze
My ego loves getting a bashing.
Ah, I am no rookie anymore. I know what to do in case of my ego really getting pissed off and preparing to unleash a painbody attack. I settle in my observer mode, watch it rise, blow up, go in defense and accusatory mode and get ready to charge. I feel the anger, hot and fiery. And I consciously and delightfully experience myself reacting.
Reacting starts really with a series of thoughts. It commences with clinging to the cause of annoyance and then it starts it’s blameful tirade of reasoning. My ego seems to think that offense is the best defense, because this anger feels like my livelihood is at stake. My ego will rummage and use whatever weapon it can find to fight back. Quickly,aptly, fatally.
I let it do it. Fully enjoy the show.
The good thing about impulsive eruptions of annoyance is that it happens in a swift move and then it is over. The air is cleared. Maybe a little sulking left, but from experience I know this won’t last long. Never could hold a grudge.
But then I feel guilty for having reacted too tempestuous.
Whenever something causes my ego to rear it’s righteous head, on a deeper level I have to laugh about it. It is not that I try to stop the reaction, but I observe it. And I ask myself what does it remind me of. Insights will come even throughout the reaction. And later of course. In the end we have learned something. Another pattern exposed, another belief unmasked, another identification denounced.
My ego loves bashing. It has learned another useful tool. Untangle itself. If feels like an escape artist and recently I thought it is becoming maybe a l-i-t-t-l-e- haughty because it can take it so well….
See how that goes ?
The Living Room 
Beautifully put Angelika & Michaela!!
The ego is our greatest teacher, our true master, guiding us from Fear to Love.
Thank you for sharing.
Namaste,
Rick
Thank you, Rick!
Thanks Michaela, for sharing this.
I have sensed that all along, and this is why I have come to stay out of your way, when you are in bashing – mood…..although I admire your vigour that I also sense behind these eruptions….
Wow, Michaela, this hit the nail on the head for me. I am currently in the midst of experiencing an ego bashing and, for probably the first time, able to watch, feel, and experience my ego as ‘separate’ from Me. I have more choice in my reactions and allowing most of it to take place in my head.
One thing I ‘forget’ to do is ‘following the feeling’ and see what it ‘reminds me of’. I seem to stop short of that.
Something I am realizing is that as I grow in Awareness/Presence there is an underlying belief/fear that something will happen that will take this away and I will lose my way. In the past, this is where feelings of frustration and longing would come in to play and I would feel sad. Now I am beginning to understand that I need to have these challenges (internal and external) and go through the motions in order to transcend them. So my challenge at work with my boss (which in the past would create a ton of stress and self righteousness) is happening differently for me. And I am learning to Live my Truth. And it isn’t easy to do it differently when the feeling to protect and defend is sooooooooo strong. But I’m doing it. And I see this is the only way to Learn to Live a congruent Life in alignment with God……………so bring it on! 🙂
When I came to the room this morning and read your and Geli’s posts, it was amazing to get such a wonderful validation of this process. I feel like they are gentle hands guiding me in the right direction. And although you each have a different style, they compliment each other beautifully and give me just what I need. Thank you and namaste. xoxo
Just keep on walking my sister…. 🙂
“See how that goes ?”
Exactly.
the state of affairs, for some of us at least. Thank you for putting it so well.
They say that Love can cut through it all. The ones that literally “fall in love” with a teacher (Sufism – The Path of Love) are on the shortest easiest road, they say.
So might fear be covering up something else? Maybe trust? Trust seems to me to be a big issue. Maybe just smoke.
God willing, we’ll see.
xo
Trust…and faith.
Enquire….
Thank you Michaela for sharing. It assures me that everyone’s ego really operates in the same way. As Eckhart says the ego is only one. It appears as many.
The ego is your friend, really.
It wants to get known and it will comply when it feels safe.