My ego loves getting a bashing.
Ah, I am no rookie anymore. I know what to do in case of my ego really getting pissed off and preparing to unleash a painbody attack. I settle in my observer mode, watch it rise, blow up, go in defense and accusatory mode and get ready to charge. I feel the anger, hot and fiery. And I consciously and delightfully experience myself reacting.
Reacting starts really with a series of thoughts. It commences with clinging to the cause of annoyance and then it starts it’s blameful tirade of reasoning. My ego seems to think that offense is the best defense, because this anger feels like my livelihood is at stake. My ego will rummage and use whatever weapon it can find to fight back. Quickly,aptly, fatally.
I let it do it. Fully enjoy the show.
The good thing about impulsive eruptions of annoyance is that it happens in a swift move and then it is over. The air is cleared. Maybe a little sulking left, but from experience I know this won’t last long. Never could hold a grudge.
But then I feel guilty for having reacted too tempestuous.
Whenever something causes my ego to rear it’s righteous head, on a deeper level I have to laugh about it. It is not that I try to stop the reaction, but I observe it. And I ask myself what does it remind me of. Insights will come even throughout the reaction. And later of course. In the end we have learned something. Another pattern exposed, another belief unmasked, another identification denounced.
My ego loves bashing. It has learned another useful tool. Untangle itself. If feels like an escape artist and recently I thought it is becoming maybe a l-i-t-t-l-e- haughty because it can take it so well….
See how that goes ?