Conversation #12 between Angelika nd Michaela

M: Hi Geli, Good Morning !

A: Hi Michaela! How are you doing?

M: Perfect, really good. What shall we talk about today ? Any new insights from listening to John Welwood ?

A: I am experiencing and or learning with the help of his teachings how to disengage, after I fell into the egoic trap. Would you like to hear about the latest trap I caught myself in?

M: Absolutely !

A: I found myself applying an ego based “coping strategy” in my process of observing my own resistance and feelings. The strategy was “to become a great success” and “being very competent” in the entire process. OMG. 😉 I understood my sadness as an issue to be coped with “in a competent way.” I got stuck in suffering, which woke me up again.

M: It is amazing how that happens. Here you are, you know all about the perils of the ego co-opting the whole process, you are really watchful about it – and then you find yourself deeply in ‘ego’ yet once again. Its a good thing you recognised it. Did the “suffering” alert you or how did you recognise that you were “trying” to force yourself through the awakening process ?

A: Pain in my body called me back into presence. This time it was a deep stabbing pain in my left foot and in both of my legs. As soon as I became present it disappeared and it returned once  I was back in  ego. This went on for 12 hours and I was really exhausted. Finally I gave up and my ego surrendered to this. A little time later I “re-felt”, contrary to remembering, old sadness and desperation. The feelings came in waves and I stayed with them, opened up towards them an cried. This went on for several hours. And when it was over, I entered peace.

M: Pain is very often caused by energetic blockage or resistance. It can really hurt or be very painful. So how did you realise that this was your “ego” talking, and the pain was ot due to some physical causes ?

A: I tested it by doing Kim Eng´s shaking exercise. When I do the shaking and the pain disappears, it can not have a physical cause. And of course I asked you. Over the last months I have learned that most of the pain that I am experiencing has no manifested physical cause.

M: Good idea to try and “shake it off”. It the pain improves, it is a good indication that it probably has some non-physical causes. But how did you make the connection that the pain was related to your putting yourself under pressure of “being competent” ?

A: I still have difficulties to face upcoming feelings and emotions. My first impulse is to split when I start sensing them in my body, especially if they qualify as “ being uneasy”. As a child I was taught by my German, Prussian mother not to show any feelings as well as not to listen to them.
I was taught to control my self in any given situation.
Instead of opening up towards feelings I rather organize them, by telling myself a story or I rationalize them. If this happens so fast, that I am not aware of it,  I start feeling an uneasiness in my body, a dizziness or pain.
WOW. I just remembered something. For my mother it was not OK to have feelings/emotions but very much OK to feel symptoms of physical illness´.

M: This is a really good observation. I think more often than not it is our belief that it is not OK to feel emotions like anger or fear. They are considered to be negative, or they are simply in the way of us wanting to do what we believe to be  the right thing. So from very early on we learn to bypass and “not feel” emotions and feelings as the signals of the body. Of course, they are still there and so we close up and numb  internally. The effect is a blockage of energy which can manifest as pain. If we ignore this pain, or take painkillers, over time they  can lead to damage in the tissue and if the conflict persists, it can even lead to a manifest disease. Many chronic diseases have their origin in this mechanism. And you are right – at large it is OK to have physical symptoms or pain, but it is not OK to be in resistance to anything  that is considered to be “reasonable”. In reality it is often a major conflict situation to what is, and it takes a lot of energy to make ourselves believe everything is all right. So pain and physical discomfort are very often the “voice of the ego” speaking. Learning to listen to this voice is a critical step in the awakening process, because we can understand everything with our mind, but it does not help very much, if in our body all the suppressed emotions are raging.

A: In retrospect I can say, that all too often it has been my body telling me via heavy symptoms, that something was bothering me. I was somehow numb, when it came to feeling psychical pain or uneasiness.  However when my body “spoke to me with symptoms”,  I was able to understand and respond.

M: I know what you mean. I used to have headaches most of my life. Whenever I went into “resistance”, or had to do something which I could not agree to, I ended up with splitting headaches. I knew it – but of course I thought it was normal and then I just took an Aspirin. :-). I have not had headaches in a long time now. But for myself I realised that I was not used to “feel” my own emotions, so I really had to find them and get used to them. Its amazing – it’s like choosing to drive without ABS, even though it makes life so much easier and safer.

A: Emotions and feelings as an anti – lock braking – system. I love it!!!!
Thank you very very much indeed!

August 27th, 2010