M: Hello Geli. How are you this morning ?

A: Is this a real question?

M: Of course it is….

A: O.K. I am tired and worn out from acting out in resistance. Maybe I am worn out from allowing it to happen?

M: Hmmm….are you having an encounter with your old friend, the painbody ? It sounds very intense…

A:I would say that I am 90% of my day in painbody and the remaining 10% Stillness is coming over me. Temporarily it is hard for me to go into Stillness. Though it suddenly fills me up or comes over me.

M: You could also say that 10% of your day you are not in resistance. Lets look and see then. What is happening in your world when you suddenly feel stillness ?

A: Stillness comes when I start brushing my teeth, or when I do the shaking by myself, without listening to Kim Eng. Stillness comes while I cook without being under pressure because I´d be late.
Stillness comes when I look outside the living room window and see nature in its overwhelming beauty.
I just realize, I can create a room for it to happen. That would be if I retreat into my room in the house, close the door and be in there alone. Here in my room I can do “sitting” or “none-doing”.
Just now I understand that it is almost impossible for me to be in Stillness if others are around.

M:  The important thing is to remember that Stillness is with us all the time. It does not come or go. The only thing that can get us out of this state is closing up, or being in resistance. So in your example, you experience stillness whenever you are on your own, completely devoted to what you are doing right now. The moment someone else is entering the scene, it appears you are closing up and shutting down. Why is it not OK to be in that open state with others ?

A: I am in Stillness now. And I am often in Stillness with Paul. I trust you both. Neither you nor Paul harm me. Very rarely I have the same soft openness with my daughter.

Why doesn´t it work with others? It seems they contact me merely if they need me to do something for them. The energy seems to flow only one way, which is from me to them. I get upset about this and I close up and then I am not connected to Life energy fully anymore and cannot give it to them.
But this is not the whole truth. I know this. I just cannot see more right now.

M:  I have made an observation recently, that may be relevant. It has to do with listening to others. I have never been very good at that – you know me, I am impatient and opinionated. So what I realised was that I do not really listen to others, because I am using the time when they are talking to come up with a strategy for the next sentence. I do that to ensure that  the conversation goes where I want to have it. In other words, I am trying to control the interaction and do not allow for it to flow naturally. Of course I am in full resistance, when I am doing this. What I have learned in the exchange with others – whenever I am in resistance (I feel it in my throat), then I am back into my old control-manipulator mode. Does this resonate with you ?

A:I heard John Welwood mentioning that when we feel an irritation in our throat is means we swallow something.
What I can say to your behaviour pattern is, that it seems we come up with strategies to make the unbearable bearable. If a “real” exchange between personalities (=egos) is too painful, I avoid it and rather develop a strategy to keep “me” out of pain.
We create our own “show” to avoid what is, and the others become supporting acts in it. We do this to get their attention, whether it is friendly, fearful or unfriendly. As long as the horizontal exchange takes place our mission has succeeded. So what we may look at would be, what is the “title” of our show?

M:  To “swallow” something means to stifle our instinct. It means we do not act according to our true nature, but react based on a subliminal fear of having to give up control. What is it that makes an interchange between personalities painful ? It appears to me that the only entity that gets “hurt” is my egoic sense of what the other should, or should not be  right now.

You are right, we definitely create our own show to distort reality. We are very creative in telling stories why it is better to avoid what we really see or feel,  or to simply allow a situation to happen naturally. That includes that I let the other be as they are, without creating a drama around it.  What would be the title of that show ? Maybe“ Illusions that hurt are better than the Truth that sets me free”. Or Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose….

A:Ok. As I child I felt totally out of control at each eruptive fit my drunken father would perform. It was as terrifying as walking on a field of mines where I would never knew when a bomb would explode. My world was unstable and I felt weak and anchorless because no one in my family was there to protect me.
I felt alone and I was frightened.
So I developed my strategy of creating an important position for myself in organizing an environment. This made sure that others had to contact me to assist them living in this environment.
With this strategy I would not be left alone and overlooked. I created a need in others to contact me.
And ultimately my strategy has been wearing me out.

M: Yes, this could be an explanation for this type of behaviour to get started. We all learn early on  to compensate, whenever we encounter a situation that makes us feel vulnerable, or does in fact hurt us. For me, it has been astounding to realise how much of my waking time was used to “hold it together”. You are right, it is very exhausting and no wonder, you react with irritation (the constrictive feeling of anger), when someone is crossing your path unexpectedly. It means we need to muster new energy to align them with our expectations. Really stupid thing to do !!!

How about just dropping it ?

A: A great suggestion. Especially since we can never get enough Love/ Life energy/ attention via a horizontal exchange with others.