Conversation between Geli and Michaela, Friday, August 13th 2010
A: Good Morning, Michaela. How is it going today?
M: Hi Geli. Nice to hear from you. I am doing great. What are you up to ?
A: I am up to have a conversation with you.
M: Cool. Let’s sit on the sofa. What shall we talk about ?
A: I would like to talk about, why I sometimes get so upset about what other people do or say.
M: LOL. That is a good one ! Well, let’s see here. What does it mean to get “upset” ? It means that somehow the inner balance gets disturbed, or there are suddenly emotions coming up. Where do they come from ?
A: Ok….let me observe what is happening within me. Somebody says something and I re-act out of a reflex. Mostly in a kind of defense mechanism. Next I close up within my body. And unfortunately I judge myself for re-acting in defense because I consider that I am actually a very open-minded person…lol.
M: Yes, I know the feeling…haha. Always very revealing ..but it is always a pointer too, isn’t it. There are certain situations, or people that just “make” me react, I cannot help it. Of course it does no good, if I get all worked up about my “unenlightened” reaction. So I rather take it and observe where the “energy” of getting angry is pointing to. Actually – I feel it a lot of times in my throat…
A: I feel the anger in the area of my belly and as an instant reaction I become very stiff along my spine upwards, my neck gets tense and I feel dizziness within my head. The more often I feel stillness during a day the stronger I experience these other reactions. When I look at it I understand that the closing up is a reaction that has something to do with my fear of punishment. I am afraid of getting punished for judging on others. Do I punish myself by closing up?
M: It is really interesting what you are observing here. Couple of points are coming up when I listen to you. First of all, the belly is “the seat of the ego” – so whenever I feel something in my stomach, I know the old ego is acting up. It means that something, or someone, is going against what the “ego” wants to happen and it uses the energy of anger to prepare for defence. Closing up is a really good word – because this is what it is, the body goes into resistance and you are experiencing a classical stress reaction. What you feel are the effects of stress hormones, preparing the body to retaliate against a perceived danger.
Fear of punishment is interesting though….why do you think you should be punished for judging others ?
A: I have created an ego that is “awakening”. I apply my learned behaviour patterns in the process of awakening. The most prominent one is that I put myself under pressure because I want to achieve “awakening” as fast and perfect as possible. Therefor I strive to achieve the parameter of “awakening”. One is being non-judgemental.
When ever I am not able to apply this, a part of me awakes that I may call “my draconic mother”. When I was little my mother reacted with withdrawal of love an affection sometimes for several days, where she wouldn´t talk to me, whenever I didn´t followed her orders.
It seems that I follow that pattern and close up to Life whenever I didn´t follow my ego´s expectations of how I shall re-act.
M: That is certainly a possibility. We all have reactive patterns in us that come from childhood. So you are “punishing” your ego for not being quiet and cooperative ? What would happen, if you let your ego have it’s way – be egoic for a bit – and then you move back into stillness ? After all, it’s not your “ego” that is experiencing the flow of life, or is it ?
A:As soon as I can watch myself I have stepped out of ego. I can experience it very well while I let Stillness happen. By saying this I mean that I allow a gap to be filled with Stillness.
It is a very good hint to allow my ego to have it´s way at times. It is what my personality is like in this moment and it is ok and I accept this. I am loved by Life ( = being in the stream of Life) in this moment no matter how my ego acts. And maybe this will help me to stop judging others.
M: Yes, I can relate to that. The really strange thing is that it is a reaction, based on a reaction. LOL. So for example – I am very impatient and there are times I really get worked up when I have to wait. So I have that reaction of impatience, because obviously I am not surrendered to having to wait at the moment. But what happens next, is that I have a reaction to having a reaction. I get annoyed at myself for having fallen back into my old egoic structures and really, I should know better…says the EGO. And this is how it reveals itself…haha.
By the way – the throat is the location of the “will”. So feeling a pressure there always reminds me, that I have moved out of the “Now”.
Maybe we just start to allow our ego to judge a little, now and then – just observe it and move back into stillness whenever we notice ? After all – it is not so much about stopping doing something as opposed to ceasing being identified with it.
A: I have two questions, actually to myself. Does my ego try to plan and manage my awakening process…..omg…?
One of my favourite sayings is “click and done”. I also love to have things done,issues solved in an instant. If I am forced by enviro – mental obstacles to wait I am getting upset as well. Lately I have come to wonder if I want to do things very quickly because then I am able to easily overlook what really is.
M: Well, the ego will always try and co-opt whatever is happening. Of course such a beautiful thing like awakening is very appealing too. Happens to me all the time. In fact, whenever I get annoyed about not being “relaxed, aware and centered” – it’s the ego talking. So it somehow looks we both have an issue to wait. I really can relate to that and I think you are right – it is trying to avoid what is right now, including the wealth of information that one would receive being open and perceptive. The old ego certainly does not like that because it does not have control over it. On a different note, what would happen if it really would take a long time to awaken ? Is there anything to miss or to get to ?
A: If I have to do things slowly I would have to see that my ego wants to hurry through the awakening process so that it can be more efficient with developing and executing it´s own ideas and goals.
M: Oh yes…being impatient always points to one thing: I do not want to be right here and right there. Which really is a superfluous idea, because this is where I am right now. lol. Feeling a bout of impatience is actually really helpful – it can be felt, it makes itself known and I can actually welcome it. Say: “Hello impatience, old friend” – because all it does is to re-mind me that I am a-head of myself and not in my body or in the Now. So I am just happy to meet it – lets see if it works…
A: “A- head of myself”, I love this.
Acceptance and surrender to what is plus loving my ego this is what I let stay with me.
Thank you very very much for your space and time, Michaela!
M: Thank you too for your presence, Geli. Acceptance and surrender…