It’s been a long process, starting with the death of my 30 year old son in 2007. Seems everything is being stripped from me (anything I clung to for security or what was a diversion), many relationships, my car (totaled), computer (crashed for a while) — (car and computer being things that uplifted me — took me somewhere else when things were tough in any way or I didn’t feel I had “community” as I live very remotely and in a mostly “fundamental” place), lack of money, illness in the family, menopausal stuff (which complicates everything), complete disconnection from any extended family (seeming everyone turning against me for one reason or another), etc. Whatever could come up, sure has.
Had been meditating daily for 5 years, but couldn’t seem to “show up” for that or much of anything else either. Lack of interest in anything (things I loved in the past) and didn’t know who I “was” anymore. Have felt like I was dying…. and even felt like I wanted to (was suicidal for a while). Very challenging for me, someone who has always mostly been upbeat and cheerful.
Didn’t know this (a “dark night”) was what I was going through for a long time… but kept seeking understanding (as the knowing of what was transpiring seemed to make it easier). Thankfully, found a few things on the internet and more recently (maybe more people going through this now in the West?). Stumbled upon your blog tonight and so appreciate the Adyashanti clip. That was very comforting. Seems I find more about it and more understanding the closer I come to being out of it, however. I have tried my best to embrace it. To surrender. I know a deeper level of surrender is needed though to fully let go.
I’ve felt for many years I was to write books…. but I haven’t been able to make that happen (what Adyashanti referred to as knowing something was on the other side, but not being able to break through). I seem to be going through many of the ones he mentioned all at once. Definitely my ego (inner child) gave me fits for a while as there were some real similar things happening as happened in childhood (and some that were more difficult also) and she was pretty upset at me for not protecting her, went through a lot of deep fears of what was to come and that I might have to “speak” in public and not feeling qualified or ready (know I’ve been killed before in other times for speaking — and feel deeply some of it was letting go of fears not even from this time).
I “know” I must feel OK regardless of not “knowing” anything or where I am going to end up. I laugh that I may be living in a cardboard box the way it seems to be going — but part of it seems like it may really go that way and I need to get comfortable with whatever transpires and let go completely. I haven’t had any support (except my very gifted “psychic” son — now 13) who helps me as much as he can from the “angels” since my guidance seems to have gone completely off-line. (My son tells me I chose this in my blueprint and the angels cannot help me as I wanted to do it alone — or with very little help). I sometimes laugh I must have been on drugs when I wrote that blueprint or made those decisions. I won’t do that again (if there is an “again”), I hope.
Have been very judged by others (thinking I am just in grief from older son’s passing — or depressed because of money situation, etc.) Huge lack of money (which was never the case before), so can’t reach out to many people for even just a chat as they charge for counseling and wouldn’t agree to any offers for trades. My closest and only one of two, spiritually minded friends, can’t understand why I can’t just “tap it out”. (She just doesn’t understand and I love her.)
My initial awakening happened spontaneously as he mentioned… at the time my younger son was 4 and was helping my husband with his business at home and basically, being a housewife (live very remote). Some health problems arose and a call I heard clearly to attend an energy healing workshop. 3 days afterward, a spontaneous kundalini awakening experience and healing happened, also hands that reached out of heavens to embrace me followed a few months later. Then feeling inspired to help others with healing … but that never really quite panning out very well. I still do a very few sessions occasionally, but not much interest when I “try” to make a business at intuitive counseling or healing.
During that period of 5 years, I had many peak spiritual experiences. My son dying in the same month, almost the same day as my healing experience 5 years prior (which I only realized upon this writing). The death was not completely unexpected, and I really breezed through that without too much grief (he had some big problems with substance abuse and I knew he’d be free of his addictions and happier and at the time, with my spiritual communication still “on-line”, I was able to communicate with him). More so what started bothering me a lot was the lack of support I felt from anyone or anything. It really felt that everyone, no matter what I’d done for them, was turning on me. Family even yelling at me during preparation for funeral. Have felt pretty lonely. Know I must do my spiritual practice (walk, meditate, be alone) even without the reward (like Adyashanti said). I’m getting there…. Have been a little slovenly (not a trait of mine at all in the past). Cleaned my bathroom thoroughly yesterday just for myself (for no one else but me) and enjoyed it. Just let go, let myself be alone, and sort of in that zen place while scrubbing.
Thank you for allowing me a place to speak — as I haven’t been able to do that. If I mention a “dark night” to most, they think I just need counseling (am depressed, in grief, etc.). Doesn’t help that I am an empath and therefore feel all the judgment they have.
I feel like I’ve been in sticky cocoon goo for a long time and I choose to just let go regardless of whether I ever turn into a butterfly — or just stay “goo”.
I bicycled once across Alaska for 1,500 miles — so I understood what Adyashanti said about the “will” and the letting go of it. I’m choosing to get through this by loving it (loving being in it — rather than “wanting” something or somewhere else).
Thanks again for allowing me the space to give myself a “pep talk”. It’s all good…..
This contribution was originally posted as a comment to ” The Dark Night”
Nancy keeps a website / blog called: Transformative Union
Related posts: Movement of Grace