A conversation between Amy and Michaela
M: Hello Amy, I am here. It’s a nice and clear morning in Vienna. How are you ?
A: Good morning! Happy Friday. I’m settled into bed with my laptop after another extraordinary day on the planet. So odd, you and I in this same exact moment, at opposites end of the day. I get such a wonderful feeling of the Universe just thinking about that.
M: You are right. The cool thing is that I can watch the words and sentence forming. It is much more than a chat, because indeed – we are sharing one moment, connecting real time. I love to do it this way – it is like a space is opening up between the two of us and the boundaries are no longer so – “real and palpable”.
A: I think I read in one of the threads that you have a twin?
M: Not me, I have 2 sisters and one brother. But I have twin nieces. Are you a twin ?
A: I am. Large family as well, the twin, a younger sister, three older brothers. Just realizing I don’t know much about your life. Do you live in England?
M: I live in Austria. Its not so important to know the outer circumstances. Here it is about connecting and “feeling” our way into communicating with each other.
A: Well, in that vein, I’d like share something that happened today at work. I’ve been reflecting on Presence Power, really serious about putting the practice to work in my life. I work at hospital. Changes are happened around health care reform, people losing their jobs, the economy overlay, the mood is quite tense. Some little arguments come up, coworkers acting out their anxiety, sharing the negativity –sudden we heard an unforgettable crying in the hall. Our office is next door to the Cardiac Catheterization Lab. Someone’s husband had just passed away, not 10 feet away from where I was sitting, through the concrete walls. It was one of those vertical moments in life, when the impermanence shatters all of the other nonsense. I never felt so at one with every one. You know?
M: Yes, suddenly be reminded of the impermanence. It can be scary to feel the truth of that sometimes, don’t you think ?
A: Scary.. no, I’d say more “raw,” “real.” It is an intimate feeling to me.
M: Yes, I think I know that “rawness”. It got a little time to get used to it. Where do you feel it, actually ?
A: Where in my body… it feels like a big rush in my lungs, like a huge breath of life, I become so acutely aware of my breathing and being alive in that moment, that’s how I felt today. Suddenly I just stop thinking about anything, the sound of her deep, deep sorrow; it was really amazing, exquisitely sorrowful and beautiful at the same time. Wow…
M: The cry of believing to have “lost” love perhaps ? This is what your description of her deep sorrow reminds me of. A sudden realisation of a deep – and seemingly permanent – lack. A lack that may have been sated by the other for a time. This is what this reminds me of.
A: After a time, a space to reflect about this as I feel safe and secure at home, I realize how fortunate this lady was to have loved someone enough in life to feel that way. Letting the fear of experiencing such intense pain with a loss like, that’s the real tragedy. I am quick to add, with the exception of my parents, a friend in high school, and my nephew, I haven’t come close to that much pain.
M: This rawness is that pain. It is grief, or rather grievance about the loss of being united with someone. Of course, this is a projection – because this intense pain reminds us about our own “loss” – being congruent, or being completely loved and sated by ourselves. Does that resonate with you ?
A: Yes, it does. I think that’s the connection, why I felt so much connection. The truth is that every living thing that comes into existence must go, dissolve. Knowing that and feeling that, quite a different experience.
M: Of course. One cannot only “awaken” in the mind – there is always an “equivalence” in the body. Where we feel the pain, that is the pointer. That is the “original sin”, so to speak. The physical representation of our illusionary belief that we are able to love ourselves so fully and completely, as we want to be loved by others.
A: Thank you, Michaela, for reminding me of that. As you know, with my conditioning from childhood trauma, a connection to my body has been lost to me much of my life. I am so, so grateful for all of those souls who helped me return home. ET and the forum have played a huge part.
M: I think you are touching on an important point. The connection to the body. I have always been a rather “brainy” person and had to discover the language of my body. I continue to be surprised how accurate it is. It was really much about allowing and sensing what is going on. All the energies, feelings, emotions, but also feeling this marvellous organism doing its work. So feeling such grievance ,as you did, is a pointer straight home. Did you perhaps find out what is “behind” it ?
A: Hum… today’s experience was one of those “wow, I thought I was being so present,” just to find out I had totally gone unconscious in the ordinary day to day pettiness in the office. So much for intention ;-).
M: Oh, I know…smile. Following a thought and presence is gone. Actually – you may have seen Geli mentioning John Welwood’s work ? He is focusing on the “opening of the heart”, which I think is a much misunderstood term. In particular, I am thinking about “Perfect love, imperfect relationships”. I am mentioning it, because there are some practical exercises, that may be very helpful for you at this stage.
A: Wonderful. Thank you. Off to Amazon.com I go then. Wow, a very nice visit indeed. Hope your Friday is delightful.
M: Amy, this has been lovely. Thank you so much. In particular, thank you for sharing your experience. To witness such pain and grief is definitely something that is real – and something to explore. Good night and happy dreams.