The nightmare of awakening
Awakening means to wake up from the dream of “me” as a separate entity. It means to open the eyes and understand who I really am. This recognition is a blissful moment of grace touching my being. I am waking up to my true nature.
The only one who does not get it though is the ego.
But the ego is not the little scoundrel living inside my head. The ego is a complex process and it is not easily understood, nor can it be changed easily.
When I am waking up to my true nature, I suddenly understand that all I have learned and believed to be true, is nothing but an illusion. Nothing is, as it appears to be and I am facing years of conditioning attuned to a false self.
And what is more, I suddenly understand that in the moment I am creating a new fixation, the process of the ego will start anew and build a spider-web of new conditionings around my new, awakened, identity.
So what I have to get used to is allowing for the countermovement of the egoic process to happen. The difference is, that the ego always “wants” something. It wants to be safe, fed, secure, loved, free, etc. We really need to understand that the process of wanting actually IS the ego.
So what to do? Can I just turn around and decide to not have an ego ?
Well, I can, but that would become my new fixation and the foundation of another egoic structure. Or, I could decide to stop wanting anything at all. But what would happen? Not wanting to participate in the natural process of building an egoic thought-pattern would become a new fixation and the foundation of another egoic structure.
So I better give up. Wanting, that is.
The countermovement of the ego is letting go. If the process of the ego is based on my illusionary ideas of being a separate self, then becoming aware of my true nature is the foundation of adapting to a new process. This happens naturally, in an easy and swift movement, once I have learned to trust it. Letting go is the process of acceptance, without wanting.
The ego is not my enemy, and I do not need to destroy it. But I need to understand how it works, to allow for the true transformation to happen: To allow for the process of acceptance instead of holding on to the process of resistance.
The “demolition” of the ego means to see it exactly as it is. Nothing remains hidden, nothing will stay in the dark. Everything does come to the surface. I become open, transparent, porous and vulnerable.
Awakening from the dream is the nightmare of the ego.